Bullying Examples

If you’re not sure a behavior is bullying, use the “reasonable person” test. Would most people consider the following actions unacceptable?

• Falsely accusing someone of errors not made
• Spreading malicious rumors
• Discounting someone’s thoughts and feelings
• Isolating someone
• Disregarding accomplishments
• Soliciting bullying assistance
• Undermining work
• Physically abusing someone
• Demoting without cause
• Constantly changing work guidelines
• Withholding necessary information or resources
• Assigning unreasonable workload 
• Making offensive jokes
• Taking credit for target’s work
• Sabotaging contributions to team goals
• Criticizing constantly
• Belittling opinions
• Blocking training, promotional opportunities
• Giving poor performance evaluations
• Tampering with work equipment.

Bullying victims experience a range of effects. These include shock, anger, feelings of frustration and helplessness, loss of confidence, inability to sleep and stress-related illnesses. Anxiety about going to work and inability to concentrate are other outcomes.

Bullying affects the overall “health” of an organization. An unhealthy workplace is characterized by high absenteeism, accidents and turnover, and elevated employee assistance, recruitment and legal liability costs. This results in low productivity, morale and customer service.

Ways employees can respond to bullying

Behavior that’s unreasonable and offends or harms you, should not be tolerated.

– Document the abuse. Record the date, time and details of the event, names of witnesses, and outcomes.  Keep copies of the perpetrator’s correspondence.

– Consider confronting the perpetrator. Ask an impartial third party such as a trusted supervisor or union member to accompany you to the meeting. Show evidence you’ve collected that demonstrates bullying behavior.

– Solicit the assistance of higher level management.  Don’t confide in anyone close to the bully. If a top executive is the perpetrator, reaching out to someone within the organization can be risky, ineffective. With a bully at the top, your situation probably won’t improve. Your best option may be to leave. 
Ask colleagues and clients to provide documented perspectives of your performance. This can illustrate your superior’s assessment of your performance is incorrect.

– Don’t retaliate. You may look like the perpetrator and confuse personnel responsible for evaluating and responding to the situation.

– Move on. Consider transferring to another department or change employers. Request a severance package. Positive opinions of coworkers, other supervisors and clients will provide needed documentation. Before giving notice, get personal property off the premises.

View your move as a positive change, not an escape. It’s better to leave on your own terms and time than wait for involuntary termination. Tell a trusted supervisor why you’re leaving. Don’t broadcast your impending resignation.

Start an external job search. Be discreet. Top-brass bullies sometimes use the full weight of the organization to trash careers of workers who turn on them. Don’t discuss negative aspects of the company with prospective employers. Emphasize your accomplishments.

Ways organizations can prevent bullying

Employers have a legal responsibility to protect employees. Senior management must let perpetrators know bullying isn’t tolerated. A comprehensive written policy that covers varied harassment incidents must:

– Apply to all company levels.
– Outline the process by which preventive measures will be developed.
– Provide examples of unacceptable behaviors, working conditions.
– State organization’s policy of bullying and commitment to preventing it. Specify consequences.
– Encourage reporting of all aggressive incidents. Treat all complaints seriously.
– Outline procedures for investigating and resolving complaints. Address them promptly.
– Outline confidential processes by which employees can report incidents without fear of reprisals.
– Provide victim support services and employee prevention training.
– Monitor and regularly review the policy.
 
Final tips

Act towards others in a respectful, professional manner. Try to resolve issues before they get out of control.
 
Columnist, Carole Kanchier, career and personal growth expert, is author of the award winning, Questers Dare to Change Your Job and Life, which gives tips for managing lifelong career growth: https://www.amazon.com/Questers-Dare-Change-Your-Life/dp/1508408963.

You’re in a meeting when a colleague takes credit for your work. What would you do: 1) Publicly confront the colleague over ownership? 2) After the meeting, request she give you credit when discussing your work? 3) Nothing? 4) Publicly thank her for referencing your work, and give the group additional information?

If you selected # 4, you’ve demonstrated emotional intelligence or EQ. Studies show that emotionally intelligent people are more successful in their careers than people who possess only intellectual smarts.Daniel Goldman, who popularized the EQ concept, identified five interrelated EQ competencies:  Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Self-Motivation, Empathy, and Effective Relationships.

What’s your EQ?
Answer “yes” or “no.”

1. I recognize my feelings and differentiate among them.
2. I know and accept myself.
3. I need to discuss my problems with others.
4. I’m realizing my potential.
5. I hang up on angry clients.
6. I get facts before reacting in an uncomfortable situation.
7. My life is stressful.
8. If I don’t get the promotion, I’ll continue to perform well, believing I’ll get the next one.
9. I get depressed regularly.
10. I usually reframe bad experiences.
11. I don’t handle adversity well.
12. I’m persistent.
13. I’m sensitive to others’ feelings.
14. If a colleague has a problem, I’d volunteer to help.
15. l share my thoughts..
16. I value others’ viewpoints even though I disagree.
17. I’m dependable, cooperative.
18. My conscience guides my actions.
19. I’m comfortable with people.
20. I have good communication skills.

Scoring: One point for each “yes” to all items except 3, 5, 7, 9, and 11. A high score suggests you may be emotionally intelligent. (The items listed are only examples of emotional intelligence.)

Strengthening Emotional Intelligence

1. Self–Awareness.Items 1 to 4 measure competencies such as self-understanding, confidence, and self-reliance. To enhance self-awareness, know and accept yourself. Be yourself, not who you “should” be.

Clarify your purpose, and commit to at least one goal that enables your to express your purpose. Tips for clarifying purpose are found in www.questersdaretochange.com/blog/page/11/

Build on strengths. List proud personal qualities and accomplishments such as confident, caring, optimistic. Each week, enhance a previous performance related to one strength.  For example, list what else can you do to become more optimistic, resilient or other?

Recognize feelings such as sadness and anger. Note what triggers these feeling and subsequent successful and unsuccessful consequences.

2. Self-Regulation. Items 5 to 8 measure self-management skills such as self-control, flexibility, and tact.  Learn to manage emotions and negative thoughts and feelings. Restructure negative thoughts so they’re more positive. Recognize time wasting habits and modify your schedule accordingly.

Minimize fear by identifying worrisome issues, and using appropriate information and resources to minimize these. Live in the present. When angry, take time out before acting. Go to a quiet place and breathe deeply, or wait a few days to cool down. Engage in physical activities to reduce stress.

3. Self-Motivation. Items 9 to 12 measure competencies such as optimism, drive, and inner-directedness. To strengthen self-motivation, develop positive thinking patterns. Focus on opportunities. Practice positive self-talk. Believe good things will happen. Begin each day by smiling at yourself in the mirror.

Take charge of your career. Experiment with new ideas, strategies. Think and talk about things you want. Define success personally. Persist in achieving goals. View mistakes as leaning experiences.

4. Empathy.Items 13 to 16 measure empathy, awareness and appreciation of others’ feelings. Strengthen empathy by listening. People feel reassured and understood when others pay attention. Listen to peoples’ needs and perspectives.

Summarize what you hear the person say. Let her know you hear and understand her thoughts and feelings. Listen between the lines. What’s the person feeling but not saying? Ask questions when unsure.

Build rapport and trust. Be genuine, approachable, open to suggestions. Make people feel physically and emotionally comfortable. Demonstrate appreciation.

5. Effective Relationships. Items 17 to 20 measure interpersonal skills such as friendliness, communication, teamwork, and leadership. Cultivate friendly relationships with co-workers. Know peoples’ names and special strengths. Develop ”small-talk” skills. Celebrate peoples’ accomplishments.

Develop a social conscience. Volunteer for company-sponsored or community projects. Get involved in hobbies that involve social interaction. Practice communication skills. Read, take courses. Join Toastmasters.

Success and satisfaction in our global workplace require emotional intelligence in addition to technical and professional skills. Identify one EQ  trait to strengthen each week.

Chapter 3, QuestersDare to Change Your Job and Your Life, by Dr. Carole Kanchier, provides additional ways to strengthen EQ or Quester traits:  https://www.amazon.com/Questers-Dare-Change-Your-Life/dp/1508408963https://www.amazon.com/Questers-Dare-Change-Your-Life/dp/1508408963

Rosemary writes: “I’m starting a new position and want to make sure I get off to a good start. What to do?”

Starting a new job is exciting and sometimes intimidating. You have a fresh start, new challenges and renewed energy. But you may also feel apprehensive, particularly if you were fired or laid off from your last job.

Tips for thriving in your new job

– Believe in yourself. Have faith in your abilities. Own your power. William James, the famous psychologist said: “Your belief in at the beginning of a doubtful undertaking is the one thing that ensures the successful outcome of the venture.” When you expect the best, you release a magnetic force in your mind, which by the law of attraction, tends to bring the best to you.

Recognize that you create your own thoughts and have the power to change them. Practice self-talk every day. Say, “I like myself because…” “I can…” Use positive statements about such things as being healthy and being in control. Don’t criticize. Think of ways to improve the situation. Avoid phrases such as, “I can’t.”

Don’t put yourself down with false modesty or boast with misleading claims. Maintain standards of good taste. Avoid extremes in mannerism, dress and hairstyles. Stay conservative until you know the lay of the land.  Don’t take unfair advantage of the employer. Avoid extended breaks or personal emails. Stay overtime to complete projects.

– Know the organization and key people on the management team. Know the company’s mission statement, values, customs, practices, rituals and communication networks. Read the organization’s policy manual. Inquire politely about the rationale behind policies or procedures you dislike. Adapt your behavior to the company’s style, but don’t eliminate qualities that make you unique.

Although knowing what happened to your predecessor should have been determined in earlier interviews, you may get a different perspective when you’re in the organization. Discussing issues and concerns with your predecessor or colleagues can minimize errors and illustrate successful practices.

– Respect and cooperate with superiors, peers and subordinates. They can be supportive, or make things difficult.

Get to know experienced co-workers. They’ll advise you of informal procedures and networks.  Avoid close association with any one group or clique. Learn the jobs of associates and superiors. Acknowledge co-workers’ interests, concerns and contributions. Volunteer to help colleagues who need assistance.

Demonstrate loyalty to your employer and supervisor. Air disagreements with supervisors. Don’t discuss these with colleagues. Speak well or don’t speak.

Debate the pros and cons of work-related issues with co-workers. These discussions usually result in effective problem resolutions and company growth.

– Listen and observe. Learn how the company works. Don’t try to change things during the first few weeks. Move cautiously. You won’t cement good relationships by being labeled a know-it-all. Avoid making statements that suggest things are done better elsewhere. Offer a suggestion like “I wonder if this might work?”

Follow instructions, rules and regulations. Ask questions until you understand where you stand and how you should proceed. Listen to ideas offered by others before suggesting a problem solution. Contribute, but don’t criticize. Demonstrate how your suggestions could complement others’ ideas.

– Clarify roles, responsibilities and priorities. Although you undoubtedly discussed things that needed attention during the selection process, clarify these with your current boss. This will give you an idea of the pace your boss would like you to set.

– Demonstrate excellence. Concentrate on quality.  Demonstrate attention to detail, discipline, and willingness to accept unglamorous but necessary tasks. Be responsive to things that need doing without taking on the whole project.

– Monitor job satisfaction and performance. Review job satisfiers and dissatisfiers. Ask for feedback on performance. Don’t wait passively for formal evaluations. Requesting feedback shows that you take your job seriously and enables you to correct minor issues so that major problems won’t develop.

– Stay employable. Keep skills current. Continuously refine professional and technical skills. These will enable you to exercise mental muscle and creativity. Equally important, maintain physical fitness. Good nutrition and fitness bring health and vitality. Network with professional and industry personnel to stay in the loop.

Avoid the following traits that lead to layoffs: poor performance and productivity, resistance to change, lack of teamwork and enthusiasm, failure to contribute at meetings, poor interpersonal and communication skills, and frequent absences.

The key to an ever evolving career is to monitor your own career development and stay attuned to new opportunities.

Questers Dare to Change Your Job and Life by Dr. Carole Kanchier, offers additional ways to succeed in your new job: https://www.amazon.com/Questers-Dare-Change-Your-Life/dp/1508408963

Kathleen, a grade six teacher wonders whether to accept the promotion to principal. Les, a human resources manager, wants a job that “excites” him. Recently laid off, Barbara thinks this might be a perfect time to start her own business. Tom, an engineer, wants to try a different field where he can still use his engineering skills.

Intuition is a great tool to use in solving varied career and personal challenges. Sigmund Freud’s advice is legendary. “When making a decision … in vital matters … such as the choice of a mate or a profession, the decision should come from the unconscious, from somewhere within ourselves.”

Individuals who make wise career decisions combine intuitive strengths with intellect. Trust and value your intuition.  Recognize that you do have the capacity to tap into it. Intend to develop it. Believe you’ll get the required information.

Practice relaxation. Relaxing the body allows you to relax the mind. This enables you to slow your brain wave frequency allowing the subconscious mind to function more actively.

Find a regular time and place to be alone so that inner signals can be heard. Release negative thoughts and feelings which block energy. Make yourself talk positive. Replace negative thoughts with more positive statements or pictures.

Meditate to get into a deeper state of awareness where answers will come more easily. You can meditate on any object, a candle flame, a mantra, a nonsense phrase or even your name.

Because intuition connects to a vast data base, it needs concise direction to retrieve a specific answer. For example, Eleanor was wondering whether she should relocate to southern California to join her fiancee. Instead of asking, “Should I relocate?” she asked, “Should I relocate to southern California?” When she received a yes response, she asked for additional information, “Should I move next spring or summer?”

Try These Problem Solving Techniques

– Program Your Dreams. Tell yourself, “I want to have a dream that will contain ……… information to solve a specific problem….I will have such a dream, remember it and understand it.”  Dreams usually come to us in language or symbols we can understand. Examine the sequence of events, how you felt upon awakening how the dream ended. Note the internal and external cues you receive the next day such hearing some news on the radio while driving to work.

–  Draw or Doodle. Write out a question that clearly states what you want to know. Underneath your question draw whatever comes to your mind or flows through your hands. Draw until you have nothing to add. Look at the meaning behind the drawing and the symbols within it. Note the sequence of steps. Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings as you look at the picture.

– Exercise. Pose a question to your intuition before any kind of physical activity. Then focus on your activity. Pay attention to the various cues that appear during and after the exercise.

– Make a Dream Inventory.  Spend about 40 minutes writing down all the things you want to do, have, be and share as quickly as possible. Create the people, feelings and places you want. Everything is possible. Ignore security or financial considerations. Identify major themes that emerge.

– Program a Successful Day. Relax on your bed after awakening in the morning. Visualize your entire day on a mental screen. Put a clock on the screen and mentally move the clock forward each hour to the end of the day. Play a mental movie illustrating everything moving smoothly and successfully as you desire. Use this technique to rehearse a successful job interview or anything also you desire.

–  Keep a Journal. Write your daily thoughts, feelings and hunches.  Pay attention to what you write and how you feel at the time. Note thoughts and feelings that emerge when you finish. Notice how intuitive hunches feel different from calculated ones.

– Practice Makes Perfect. The more you listen to and pay attention to your intuition, the more you’ll become aware of it. Take at least five minutes of quiet time every day to listen to your intuition. Ask for help, support, direction, awareness or anything you want an answer to. Have faith it will come.

Questers Dare to Change Your Job and Your Life, by Dr. Carole Kanchier, provides additional ways to access intuition: https://www.amazon.com/Questers-Dare-Change-Your-Life/dp/1508408963

True guilt is the negative feeling we have when we harm others. False guilt, on the other hand, is a negative feeling triggered by not living up to standards that are no longer realistic or because of things outside our control. For example, we may feel guilty because we think we are no longer contributing to our group project. Or a manager may feel guilty because she keeps her job, but some workers she supervised were laid off due to restructuring.

Much of the guilt we experience is self-imposed. For example, over the past month, our very busy schedules may have had us working every weekend. Even though we had worked every weekend, we may feel guilty about talking a day off for ourselves one day during the work week.

Feelings of guilt may be initiated by several factors including: working late, sleeping in because we worked late the night before, eating a delicious but fatty dessert, missing a friend’s special event, or forgetting a parent’s birthday.

Our choices should reflect what we want to do, not what we feel obligated to do! Feelings of guilt rarely increase people’s effectiveness. Most people don’t find guilt an attractive trait, either.

Tips for Minimizing Guilt

1. Identify feelings of guilt. List (on paper or computer) when and where you have guilt reactions.
Select one situation that makes you feel guilty. See and experience yourself managing this guilt situation competently and confidently. (Note people, resources, skills and other required to manage this situation.)

2. Live by your own values and standards of excellence. Feelings of guilt can develop when a person has a lot of “shoulds” in life. As an adult you have responsibility for yourself. But you also have the option to live your own life, not live by the values of supervisors, parents, co-workers, or the media. Do not feel guilty because you try to live up to standards that don’t fit your needs, values or goals. Question where these “shoulds” come from. Then determine whether they serve you well.

3. Set limits on your time and energy. Let others know these. If you don’t want to do it, give it, or go to it, politely say “no.” If you don’t want to have lunch with co-workers, say so. Express support for, and defend your opinions. Consider stating your ideas at the next staff meeting. Value yourself; your opinions count.

Limit time you spend with individuals who tend to make you feel guilty about doing or not doing something.

4. Make amends if you’re wrong. Guilt can be helpful if it motivates you to take better care of yourself, and to treat those around you with more care. For example, if you do something to hurt a co-worker, like lashing out at him, verbally apologize.

5. Adjust Expectations. Guilt is often triggered by perfectionism, holding ourselves accountable to standards that don’t fit our values, needs and abilities. Do a reality check on your expectations. On the left side of a piece of paper, list all those things you no longer do but think you should do, for example, bring treats to work occasionally, take turns washing dirty coffee cups, or stay late to meet a project deadline. On the right side, write your judgment of whether the expectation is realistic. Then modify goals based on what you learned from the exercise.

6. Reframe Self-Talk. Change your internal dialogue so that it supports your efforts to a live happy, productive work life. Restructure negative thoughts so they’re more positive.

Keep a log to track negatives you say. Each time you catch yourself saying something that fuels guilt feelings, replace it with a more positive statement. Think “I can” instead of “I can’t”.

Sample situation: A supervisor is respectfully giving constructive feedback to a worker. The worker begins to cry! Guilt moderating thoughts of manager:  ” I had to provide the feedback; not giving it wouldn’t serve anyone well. I did the best I could do to be understanding and respectful.”

7. Shift attention. Control how you respond when feelings of guilt arise. For example, if you feel guilty about not going to a staff party, ask yourself, “Is this feeling productive?” If the feeling is not productive, turn your attention elsewhere by going shopping or completing a project early.  Guilt feelings about the staff party will pass.

8. Cultivate friendly relationships with co-workers.  Know peoples’ names and special strengths. Develop ”small-talk” skills. Celebrate peoples’ accomplishments .Develop a social conscience. Volunteer for company-sponsored or community projects. Get involved in hobbies that involve people interaction. Practice communication skills. Read, take courses. Join Toastmasters.

9. Build confidence. Know and accept yourself. Know what you can do and want. If you love yourself others will also. Acknowledge your accomplishments. Prepare a list of positive achievements and personality characteristics. Post this where you can read it daily. Don’t compare yourself to or compete with others.

Affirm yourself daily. Each morning before you get out of bed, see yourself proceeding confidently and competently throughout your desired work day. Confirm yourself: “I’m confident, intelligent, caring and attractive” (or whatever you want to be).

10. Schedule time for self care.  Include healthy diet, sufficient sleep, meditation or prayer, exercise and supportive relationships.

Questers Dare to Change tour Job and Life offers additional tips for managing guilt and shows how to create your desired life career:  https://www.amazon.com/Questers-Dare-Change-Your-Life/dp/1508408963