Questers Dare to Change Your Job and Life

“I’m having problems with a difficult co-worker. We don’t speak to one another, and avoid each other at department meetings. The situation is very stressful…” Difficult people at work require professional tact.

Have you ever worked with an impossible colleague? Do you avoid approaching some people unless absolutely necessary? Do you alienate co-workers?

Difficult people come in many forms. They are our bosses, subordinates, co-workers and friends. They include attention grabbers, complainers, intimidators, backstabbers, prima donnas and followers. Difficult people range from suck-ups, who hang on your every word, to critics who find fault with everyone.

Unmanaged employee conflict causes financial loss for the organization as well as varied employee challenges. Results include stressed employees and concurrent high company health care claims, low productivity and turnover.

In almost every conflict situation, both parties bear some responsibility. Most of us don’t think of ourselves as difficult, though. It’s the others who make work stressful. Being difficult is usually in the eyes of the beholder. Someone who tries your patience may be lovable to someone else.

We can’t avoid difficult people, and usually can’t change them, but we can often improve situations. Here are suggestions.   

Managing difficult people at work

Address the situation early, politely and firmly.

Don’t discuss issues with colleagues or talk about the person negatively.

Shift the focus from the other person to yourself.

You are the one having difficulty. Since you have no real control over others, the only person whose behavior you can change is your own. Ask yourself why you’re having difficulty, what you’re contributing to the situation, and how you can improve it.

Identify other people whom you find difficult, and indicate why. Observe how you usually cope, and whether these strategies work.

Question your assumptions and stereotypes. Your perceptions often determine how you view others. Note whether you pigeonhole people to expect certain behaviors because of age, ethnicity or other traits.

Restructure your thoughts. 

Think of challenging situations, rather than difficult people. Identify what you can do to make a difficult situation easier. This perspective shifts the focus from trying to fix the person to fixing the situation.

Shift your perspective.

This alters how you and the person perceive each other. Invite the person for coffee. Stand side by side to study a chart instead of leaving the chart on the table between you. When you shift your position and survey the scene from a new perspective, you see things differently.

Volunteer to serve on the same project.  When you get to know the person better, you may learn that you misinterpreted his behavior.

Communicate calmly, non-combatively.

Approach the person in a positive, problem-solving manner. Believe she is eager to resolve the issue, as well. State your perception of the situation factually, succinctly. Don’t overreact, complain or lecture.  Indicate how the behavior is affecting you or your team. Listen to the other person’s interpretation of the situation.

Discuss the factual basis of each others’ thoughts to learn new truths and get a different interpretation. Be willing to recognize you’ve contributed to the problem.  Agree on a resolution that is mutually satisfying.

Set behavioral limits and consequences if abusive behavior is directed at you. 

Use appropriate language.

Language that makes people feel bad invites defensive, antagonistic responses, escalating the difficulty. Use inclusive language to draw people together to meet a common challenge. It recognizes the situation as a shared difficulty. “What can we do to make our meetings more productive?”

Try speculative language that poses possibilities and raises questions. This conditional mode of expression draws others into a dialogue. “Maybe it’s possible to . . .”

Also use progressive language to build involvement and commitment slowly. Start by getting agreement on small, least contentious issues and build. “Would you have any objection . . . “

Silence is often most effective. If you listen attentively, the other person is more likely to feel heard, understood, respected. Reflect what you hear to better understand the person and the issue.

Don’t use categorical language which puts everyone and everything in boxes. The world is not black or white.“You never have anything useful to offer.” This type of language carries distinctions to extremes.

Avoid judgmental language which tends to blame. “It’s clear from the design that you didn’t have time to work on it.” Similarly, avoid language which denies responsibility or shifts blame. “It’s policy; I don’t make rules.”

Don’t belittle or talk down to the person. The foregoing not only fail to help you deal with difficult people, but turn you into a difficult person, as well. Never use email to criticize.

Offer constructive face-to-face feedback.

Often chronically difficult people don’t know how to act. They may be unaware of how they affect others, and how their behaviors block career success. Give people constructive feedback, ask for their input, and involve them.  “Maybe we can . . .”

Seek assistance.

Reevaluate the assumption that a relationship can be made to work if the situation doesn’t improve. Seek help from management or a reputable professional.

Healthy work relationships are necessary for personal, professional and organizational growth. Respect others and their opinions. Share beliefs.  Every day, find something to appreciate and comment on favorably. When people feel your allegiance and support, they’ll be drawn to you despite differences.

Are you aware of the nonverbal communication signals you send? Do you know how to interpret the body language of colleagues and clients?

We both send and receive conscious and subconscious nonverbal messages.  Experts say that 70 to 90 percent of communication is nonverbal. 

Gain a competitive edge in the business world. Attend to nonverbal messages. What you say as well as how you say it give you advantages during interviews, presentations, company meetings and client negotiations.

Check your body language communication knowledge

Answer “true” or “false.”

1. Eye contact is disrespectful in some cultures.

2. Listeners who look away from speakers demonstrate confusion or disbelief.

3.  Eagerness is exhibited with simultaneous displays of smiling and head nodding.

4.  Confidence is exhibited by hands in pockets.

5.  Well-dressed professionals project success, credibility.

6. Placing both hands behind the head reveals self-doubt.

7. Speakers who make eye contact with listeners increase credibility.

8. It’s best to interpret nonverbal communication along with simultaneous verbal communication.

9. When conducting business, it’s best to stand or sit at the client’s level.

10. Defensiveness is indicated by arms crossed high on chest and crossed legs.

Scoring: One point for each “true” to statements 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 9; and 10; and “false” to 4 and 6. The higher your score, the more you understand nonverbal communication. A low score suggests you could enhance body language knowledge. Consider the following:

Understand and use nonverbal communication

Eye contact and facial expressions.

Establish eye contact to demonstrate open communication flow, and convey honesty, interest, warmth and credibility. Smile frequently to encourage approachability. Smiling transmits happiness, friendliness.

Body orientation and movements

To show approachability, lean slightly forward to face the person with whom you’re communicating.  

Be aware of positive and negative messages sent by other cues. Boredom is indicted by looking away from speaker, sloppy posture or preoccupation with something else.

Attentive listening is demonstrated by cupping chin between thumbs and fingers or putting hands to bridge of nose. Expanded chests communicate confidence in men and openness in women, while shrunken chests convey self-consciousness.

Dishonesty is demonstrated by frequent eye blinking, covering mouth or looking away while speaking. Insecurity is exhibited by hands in pockets, fidgeting, coughing or hand wringing.

Gestures

Some hand and arm gestures while speaking are good; they demonstrate animation and capture interest. But excessive gestures turn some off, and not using any suggests no enthusiasm. Head nods communicate interest and positive reinforcement.

In today’s business world touch is avoided because of “sexual implications.” However, touch demonstrates “You’re OK.”

Interpersonal distance

Too much or too little space between people causes discomfort. Signals of uneasiness include rocking, leg swinging, tapping.

Appropriate amount of space for intimate communication is one and one/half feet or less. Close interpersonal contact requires one and one/half to four feet, and business transactions need four to 12 feet. Formal communications are beyond 12 feet.

Vocal cues and linguistics

Speak in a level, modulated voice. Talk loud enough to be heard, but don’t shout. A low voice can make a strong point.

Vary the tone, pitch, rhythm, timbre, loudness and inflection of your voice. Monotone suggests boredom. High pitch suggests excitement, and low pitch projects anger.

A rhythmic voice pattern projects confidence, authority. Irregular speech is considered thoughtful or uncertain. Slow speech frustrates listeners. Speaking too fast suggests nervousness, and is difficult to understand.

Physical appearance and grooming

Project a confident, energetic, enthusiastic, professional image.  

Look savvy, contemporary. Maintain standards of good taste. Dress according to company norms. Coordinate pieces. Wear spotless, well-tailored clothes. Maintain shoes, have hair cut professionally. Avoid strong fragrances, bulging briefcases.

Stand tall, sit erect. Slumping posture projects subservience, exhaustion and age.

Handshake

Convey a positive first impression. Communicate power, confidence and sincerity with a firm grip. Support your grip with consistent nonverbal messages.  A loose handshake projects weakness, insecurity. A vice-like grip suggests intimidation and causes pain. Use a handshake after an agreement to symbolically seal it

Awareness of nonverbal behaviors enables you to send positive messages and eliminate destructive ones. To improve nonverbal communication, videotape yourself interacting with others.  Ask a friend to suggest refinements. Practice those you want to perfect.

Dr. Samuel Johnson was an English writer who is described by the Oxford Dictionary of National Biography as “arguably the most distinguished man of letters in English history”. He is a perfect example of perseverance.

Dr. Johnson is best-known work is his ‘Dictionary of the English Language’. The task took eight years, and Johnson employed six assistants, all of them working in his house off Fleet Street.

The dictionary was published on 15 April 1755. It was not the first such dictionary, but was certainly the most important at that time. In Johnson’s lifetime five further editions were published, and a sixth came out when he died. Dr. Johnson’s contribution to the English language took perseverance.

Perseverance is a steady persistence in a course of action in spite of difficulties, obstacles or discouragement. Most individuals who contribute to humankind persevere. After thousands of efforts to make the electric light bulb, Thomas Edison said, “I haven’t failed, I’ve identified 10,000 ways that it doesn’t work.” Helen Keller, Abraham Lincoln, Marie Curie, and an endless list of other great achievers found that success inevitably arrives for everyone who perseveres.

Do you persevere?

My research on life career development described in Questers Dare to Change Your Job and Life identified a combination of traits that persevering individuals possess.

Purpose

Having a sense of purpose gives meaning and direction to life. Persevering Questers have a vision that expresses their life purpose which enables them to focus on desired goals. For every activity in which they engage, they ask themselves: “Is this activity in harmony with my purpose?” Their goals are consistent with their purpose, values, needs and other traits.

Desire

Questers have a strong desire and intention to attain their goals. They persist despite internal and external setbacks. They focus on goals daily at regular intervals and ask themselves whether the activities in which they are engaged are moving them forward toward goal attainment.

Imagination

Questers visualize themselves living their goals today.  They hold their desired outcome firmly in their minds. They see, smell, touch and hear aspects of their goals. Each morning upon arising they review their goals and repeat the process before falling asleep at night.

Confidence

Inner confidence enables Questers to persist with determination regardless of setbacks. They know what they want and are not influenced by the opinions of others.

They acknowledge their accomplishments and judge these against personal standards of excellence. They have the courage of their convictions, and don’t change for others or compare themselves to others.

Optimism

They tend to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and expect positive outcomes. When Questers are confronted with hard knocks, they perceive these as challenges to be met. They expect good things to happen!

Resilience

Persevering Questers have the ability to adapt to changing circumstances. They do not stubbornly persist in the face of evidence their plans are not working, but look for better ways to increase chances of success.

Creativity

Questers imagine familiar things in a new light, finding connections among unrelated phenomena and digging below the surface to find previously undetected patterns.

Genuine

The Encyclopædia Britannica defines genuine as “free from hypocrisy or pretense, sincere.” Genuine people are real, true to themselves. Their thoughts and actions are consistent.

Lifelong learning

Ongoing learning provides persevering Questers with knowledge, strategies and other tools needed to continually adapt to changing circumstances.

Support

Formal or informal networks of goods, services, personnel, and organizations sustain perseveres and enable them to continue growth and productivity.

Volunteering can help advance your career.

A volunteer is someone who works without being paid because it fulfills a personal or community need.

Volunteers are represented in every age, income level, ethnic and occupational group. Successful volunteers are committed, helpful, enthusiastic, optimistic, and flexible.

Volunteering gives people energy, a sense of purpose, accomplishment, and confidence. It enables them to make a positive difference, develop friendships, get a job, or have a change of pace.

Andrea volunteered at a local preschool and learned she didn’t have enough patience for this type of work. After considerable self assessment and exploration of compatible volunteer options, Andrea used her creativity and people skills to volunteer at a local hospital flower shop.

Volunteer Options

Volunteers help with varied worthwhile causes from serving food in a soup kitchen to building bridges abroad.  What interests you?

– Arts/Culture

– Children/Adolescents/Adults/Elderly

– Pets/Wildlife

– Sports/Recreation

– Elderly

– Homeless/Poor

– Disabled

– Environmental/Natural Resources

– Emergency/Disaster Assistance

– Agriculture

– Political/Civic

– Health/Medical

– Engineering/Technical

– Business/Trade

– Media and Public relations

– School/Education

– Religious/Spiritual

– International Service

–  Other

What’s right for you?

To have a positive volunteer experience, know why you want to volunteer and what you have to offer. Ensure there’s a good fit between you and the volunteer activity.

Make an inventory of your abilities, strengths, interests, needs, values and purpose. Identify skills you want to capitalize upon or develop.  Match your personal qualities to desired volunteer opportunities. Explore volunteer options.

Identify activities you can and will do, and how much time you can offer. Know whether you want to work as a team member, a leader, or prefer one-to-one interactions.

Don’t fret if you think you have nothing to offer, or lack money. A willingness to help is all that’s needed. Many organizations offer complimentary training. They also provide materials, transportation and out-of-pocket expenses.

If time is an issue, don’t make a long-term commitment. Consider a special project and agree to give a few hours a week for a time period. If you must stay close to home or lack transportation, do telephone-contact work, write or keep records.

Consider volunteering with an organization to which you already belong. Investigate schools, nursing homes, civic organizations or religious institutions. Talk with your company human resources department. Many employers encourage employees to volunteer. Some give employees time off, or donate money, services and materials to community causes.

Peruse the internet, local newspapers, phone book, store bulletin boards, public libraries and community service agencies to identify groups requiring help. Talk with the local United Way, religious group or social action committees. Consider an international organization. If you have a burning cause, start a group and develop a program to address it.

Prepare a resume to help the volunteer coordinator match you to program needs.  Include previous volunteer work on your resume. Consider a section called “Community Service” or integrate volunteer work into the “Work Experience” section. Though unpaid, it’s productive work.

Don’t use ”volunteer” as a job title. Instead, include job titles such as tutor, project coordinator. Describe the work in terms of accomplishments. For example, raised a sum of money, wrote press releases, supervised a staff of 10. If you have gaps in your work history, consider filling these in with previous volunteer work.

You’ll get as much out of volunteering as you put into it. In addition to making a difference, you’ll help yourself. You’ll feel worthy, have a sense of purpose, learn new skills and expand your network. You’ll have your foot in the door when a good paying job becomes available.

Do you have difficulty sleeping or concentrating? Have you lost your appetite or interest in pleasurable activities? Are you sad most of the time? If so, you may be depressed or stuck in depression.

The Mind/Body Health Newsletter reports that depression is more common than coronary artery disease, cancer or AIDS. It causes greater day-to-day impairment in quality of life than diabetes, high blood pressure, arthritis or ulcers.

Depression costs industrialized countries several billion each year in treatments, absenteeism, and lost productivity and wages. It’s estimated that by 2020, depressive illnesses will become the leading cause of disease in developed countries.

Many factors contribute to depression including genetics, poor diet and sleep habits, and food sensitivity. Illnesses and their treatments, drug interactions, improper metabolism and social isolation are other causes.

A family history of depression suggests biological vulnerability. Psychological makeup plays a role. Pessimistic, dependent people with low confidence who are easily overwhelmed by stress, are prone to depression. A major loss (death of a loved one, job termination) and work stress are also linked to depression.

Symptoms of Depression

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) lists the following criteria for major depression. At least five must be present every day during the same two-week period. Do any of these apply to you?

– Depressed mood most of the day.

– Diminished interest or pleasure in most activities.

– Reduced or increased appetite.

– Insomnia or excessive sleeping.

– Extreme restlessness or lethargy.

– Fatigue or loss of energy.

– Feelings of worthlessness, guilt, hopelessness or pessimism.

– Diminished ability to think, concentrate or make decisions.

– Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

– Irritability or excessive crying.

Although five of the foregoing suggest severe depression, take action if you checked any criterion.

Tips for managing depression

Seek professional assistance.

Getting help is not a sign of weakness. Mental and medical health specialists, who practice in community health centers, hospitals, company EAP programs and private offices, offer evaluation and treatment.

Get a thorough medical examination to rule out health causes. If you have severe or chronic depression caused by a chemical imbalance, medications will be prescribed to alter brain chemical action and improve mood, sleep, appetite, energy level and concentration.

Talking with a trained counselor or psychologist can be effective in treating less severe or non chronic depression. Therapy can be helpful alone or used in combination with medication.

Sometimes, it is helpful to discuss certain work problems with a supervisor or co-workers. Focus on improving the situations, not personalities, and end talks on a positive note.

Recognize and change negative thoughts and behaviors. 

Negative thoughts are often unrealistic, and tend to have a generalized, exaggerated, spiraling quality.

You are what you think. You can choose to dwell on and enlarge mistakes or hurtful feelings which will contribute to depression. Or, you can stop negative thoughts and replace these with more positive, constructive ones.

If your supervisor suggests changing part of a report, you can think, “I made another mistake. I’m useless . . .” Or, you can monitor negative thoughts, note whether you made similar mistakes before, and replace the irrational, negative belief with a more positive statement. “I haven’t made this mistake before. . . Now I really know how to improve my reports . . .”

Focus on opportunities, constructive ways of dealing with challenges. Practice positive self-talk. Emotionally believe you can control situations. Listen to motivational quotes during your commute.

Don’t take customer complaints personally. You’re usually the outlet for their anger and frustration with the company policies, services or products.

Enhance confidence.

Prepare a list of accomplishments and positive personality characteristics. Post this where you can read it daily. Build on accomplishments. Each day, enhance some previous performance.

Think and talk about things you want. Review fortunate experiences in a journal. Note the role belief and hard work played in achieving successes as well as strategies used.

Participate in activities that give pleasure and a sense of accomplishment. Plan enjoyable activities daily. Watch a movie, get a massage, take a class on a topic of interest, join a hiking group.

Develop meaningful relationships.

Associate with positive, supportive people who believe in your abilities. Help others as well as yourself by volunteering for a cause in which you believe.

Join a support group. You may be surprised to learn an evening with a group of depressed people can be enjoyable. Support groups provide a forum for mutual acceptance, understanding and self-discovery.

Safeguard health.

Keep a journal to chart eating and sleeping habits, and enjoyable and stressful activities. Identify factors that may be contributing to depression, and replace these with more positive ones.

Minimize stress by exercising, meditating, engaging in hobbies, and creating a relaxing morning routine. Don’t take work problems home.

Set realistic, attainable goals.

Break large tasks into small, achievable ones. Set priorities.

Postpone major life decisions, such as changing jobs or getting married. Wait until depression lifts.

Are you happy with the occupation you selected, or do you wish you had done things differently? What important decisions have you made recently?

How do you make important decisions? Do you plan your decisions, balancing both intellect and intuition? Do you agonize? Do you tend to put things off? Or, are you hasty and impulsive?

Can you detect some regularity in your decision-making style? To better understand your decision–making behavior, think of important life decisions you’ve made like education, marriage, divorce, residential moves or career shifts. Then, in each statement below, choose the one that best describes how you usually make big decisions.

1. Planning:

A.    I’m thoughtful, organized and plan.

B.    I can’t make up my mind. Frequently, I’ll put things off.

C.    I do what feels right, and make up my mind quickly.

2. Evaluating alternatives:

A. I think of a number of options, but stop after a reasonable search.

B. I keep going over possibilities.

C. I make a quick, overall survey of possibilities, hoping something will hit me.

3. Deciding among alternatives:

A. I take intellect and feelings into account.

B. I use my intellect or rational mind.

C. I listen to my feelings.

4. Assessing the consequences:

A. I think of both the good and bad outcomes.

B. I focus on the bad things.

C. I expect things to work out.

5. Describing my emotions:

A. I’m anxious and excited.

B. I’m anxious.

C. I’m excited.

6. Examining the time-frame:

A. I take a fairly long time.

B. I take a very long time.

C. I take little time.

7. Deliberating:

A.    I think it out carefully, then decide with few regrets.

B. I agonize over the alternatives.

C. I make up my mind quickly and stick to it.

8. Ambivalence:  

A. I rally behind it after checking it out.

B. I experience serious doubts and may change my mind.

C.     I don’t think about it after launching into action.

9. Reviewing:

A.  I think about what I’ve learned from it.

B.  I worry and regret not doing something.

C.  I put it out of my mind.

Scoring and Interpretation: Add your A, B and C responses.

6 or more A responses: You tend to plan your decisions taking both intuition and intellect into account. You make important decisions fairly slowly and are more concerned with reasonably good outcomes than with fear of failure or the need to be perfect. You usually plan and review without worrying a lot.

6 or more B responses: You tend to be anxious, slow and bide your time. You may make big decisions with great effort, hesitancy and apprehension. You may take considerable time thinking about the decision or ask others for feedback. You tend to put things off.

6 or more C responses: You’re probably an intuitive, casual, impulsive risk taker. You tend to make decisions quickly, with few mixed feelings. You may feel optimistic and spend little time in introspection. Once you’ve made the decision, you put it out of your mind.

Few people are entirely A, B or C risk takers. Because most people are mixed risk takers, there are a number of risk–taking styles, ranging from cautious to impetuous. The person who is slow to take a career risk may be more impetuous in another area of his life like when buying a home or playing the horses.

A person who operates largely on hunch may, through exploration and self–discipline, be able to identify the consequences before acting. Some inconsistencies are both inevitable and healthy.

There is no such thing as a wrong decision if you do it for the right reason. You can learn to make more important decisions with better results.

You’re in a meeting when a colleague takes credit for your work. What would you do: 1) Publicly confront the colleague over ownership? 2) After the meeting, request she give you credit when discussing your work? 3) Nothing? 4) Publicly thank her for referencing your work, and give the group additional information? If you selected four, you’ve demonstrated good emotional intelligence or EQ.

Studies show that emotionally intelligent people are more successful in their careers than people who possess only intellectual smarts. Daniel Goldman, who popularized the EQ concept, identified five interrelated EQ competencies: Self-Awareness, Self-Regulation, Self-Motivation, Empathy and Effective Relationships.

What’s Your EQ?

Answer “yes” or “no.”

1. I recognize my feelings and differentiate among them.

2. I know and accept myself.

3. I need to discuss my problems with others.  

4. I’m realizing my potential.

5. I hang up on angry clients.

6. I get facts before reacting in an uncomfortable situation.

7. My life is stressful.

8. If I don’t get the promotion, I’ll continue to perform well, believing I’ll get the next one.

9. I get depressed regularly.

10. I usually reframe bad experiences.

11. I handle adversity well.

12. I’m persistent.

13. I’m sensitive to others’ feelings.

14. If a colleague has a problem, I’d volunteer to help.

15. l share my thoughts..

16. I value others’ viewpoints even though I disagree.

17. I’m dependable, cooperative.

18. My conscience guides my actions.

19. I’m comfortable with people.

20. I have good communication skills.

Scoring: One point for each “yes” to all items except 3, 5, 7 and 9. One point for each “no” to these items. The higher your overall score, the higher your general EQ. The items listed are only examples of EQ. Learn what competencies the items measure.

Strengthen Emotional Intelligence

1. Self–Awareness.

Items 1 to 4 measure competencies such as self-understanding, confidence, self-reliance. To enhance self-awareness, know and accept yourself. Be yourself, not who you “should” be.

List accomplishments and personal qualities. Build on strengths. Each day, enhance some previous performance. Clarify your mission and values. Commit to goals that express these.

Recognize feelings such as sadness, anger.  Know what triggers a feeling and subsequent action.

2. Self-Regulation.

Items 5 to 8 measure self-management skills such as self-control, flexibility and tact. Learn to manage emotions and negative thoughts and feelings. Restructure negative thoughts so they’re more positive. Recognize time wasting habits and modify your schedule accordingly.

Minimize fear by identifying worrisome issues, and researching information and resources to address each issue. Live in the present. Don’t worry about what might happen. When angry, take time out before acting. Go to a quiet place and breathe deeply, or wait a few days to cool down. Engage in physical activities to reduce stress.

3. Self-Motivation.

Items 9 to 12 measure competencies such as optimism, drive, inner-directedness. To strengthen self-motivation, develop positive thinking patterns. Focus on opportunities. Practice positive self-talk. Believe good things will happen. Begin each day by smiling at yourself in the mirror.

Take charge of your career. Experiment with new ideas, strategies. Think and talk about things you want. Define success personally. Persist in achieving goals. View mistakes as leaning experiences.

4. Empathy.

Items 13 to 16 measure empathy, awareness and appreciation of others’ feelings. Strengthen empathy by listening. People feel reassured, understood, when others pay attention. Listen to peoples’ needs, priorities, perspectives, problems.

Summarize what you hear the person say. Let her know you hear and understand her thoughts and feelings. Listen between the lines. What’s the person feeling but not saying?  Ask questions when unsure.

Build rapport, trust. Be genuine, approachable, open to suggestions. Make people feel physically and emotionally comfortable. Demonstrate appreciation.

5. Effective Relationships.

Items 17 to 20 measure interpersonal skills such as friendliness, communication, teamwork, leadership. Cultivate friendly relationships with co-workers.  Know peoples’ names and special strengths. Develop ”small-talk” skills. Celebrate peoples’ accomplishments.

Develop a social conscience. Volunteer for company-sponsored or community projects. Get involved in hobbies that involve people interaction. Practice communication skills. Read, take courses. Join Toastmasters. Build your emotional intelligence.

Is your company in flux? Do you fear losing your job, status, security? Are you afraid of a poor boss, higher workload? Is managing change easy for you?

People who adapt to change: 

• Are self-reliant, resilient, flexible
• Like learning, challenge 
• Value growth over security
• Adapt quickly to new situations
• Like trying new things
• Handle stress well

People who are less adaptable:

• Like stability, structure, predictability
• Are cautious, dislike fast-paced environments
• Dislike variety
• Are bothered when something interrupts routine
• Are frustrated with time pressures
• Do things the same way.

Everyone can get better at managing change

1. Accept and come to terms with change.

Understand the five emotional stages of the change process: shock, denial and disbelief; fear and anxiety; resistance, anger and blame; acceptance and exploration; and commitment to action.

2. Express feelings.

Discuss your concerns, fears and plans with a trusted friend. Dispel anger. Write down negative thoughts and feelings indicating why you feel this way. Note your explanations. When they’re pessimistic, dispute them. Use evidence, alternatives, implications and usefulness as guides.

3. Identify and overcome obstacles.

Clarify what you fear losing. Barriers could include fear of failing in a new job or guilt that change might create family hardships. Describe ways to minimize these. 

4. Empower yourself.

Although you can’t control outcomes of external events, you can control your attitudes and beliefs. View change as a growth opportunity.

5. Change perceptions.

A major stressor is how you see threats to your well-being, and the perception you can’t cope, don’t have options. Since your perceptual bias is learned, it can be unlearned. Believe you’ll succeed. 

6. Identify opportunities created by change.

Focus on improvements resulting from change. Find ways to contribute to the team/department.

7. Take responsibility for learning. 

Make the job a learning laboratory.

Challenge yourself. Learn and experiment with something new, rather than previously mastered tasks. Acquire knowledge/skills in your field, but also expose yourself to information outside your specialty. Surround yourself with diverse stimuli. Every day, do something to improve yourself.

8. Maintain optimism.

Reinforce the positive in yourself and others. Associate with positive people.  Expect good things. Watch your self-talk. Replace negative statements with positive ones. Emotionally believe you can control situations. Keep a diary of each day’s good experiences.

9. Care for your mind, body, emotions and spirit.

Schedule quiet times to think, reassess. Practice stress relievers such as deep breathing, exercise, meditation. Eat healthy, get sufficient sleep.

Choose productive attitudes and behaviors. Identify people, places, activities and conditions that both revitalize and drain you. Each month, pursue one revitalizing activity and eliminate one depleting activity.

10. Build confidence.

Acknowledge your accomplishments. Post a list of achievements and positive personality characteristics where you can read it daily. Don’t change for others, or compare yourself with others. Don’t dwell on past mistakes. State affirmations daily.

11. Enhance creativity.

Relax. Brainstorm ways to manage specific changes. Change routines; for example, write with your non-dominant hand.   Keep your sense of humor. Create a journal of cartoons depicting workplace humor. Look for humor in negative experiences. Play.

Perceive patterns, and make connections between seemingly unrelated ideas, objects or events. View commonplace things in new ways. Take advantage of unexpected opportunities.

12. Develop the will to risk. 

Instead of worrying about failure, think about missed opportunities if you don’t try. Don’t fear mistakes. Ask: “What’s the worst that could happen?” Reduce negative outcomes.

Live in the present. Let go of attachments. The more attached you are to something, the greater the fear of losing it.

13. Manage your own career.

Clarify your goal and commit to achieving it. Base it on your mission, needs and talents. When possible, create new opportunities. Today’s organizations need your creativity to maintain a competitive edge. Convey what you can contribute to superiors to demonstrate a win/win situation.

Explore ways to creatively redesign your job. Participate in cross-functional teams to get exposure to new functional areas and enrich your position. Recognize other company positions. Consider downward, lateral, regional moves. Anticipate changes. Read newsletters. Network.

Prepare for, and welcome the unexpected. You can choose to change your attitudes and situation, or you can complain. Use your power in managing change!

The word, “authenticity” comes from the Greek root authentikos, meaning “original, genuine, principal.” Authentic people are genuine, self actualizing and have a sense of purpose. Along with fearless passion and courage, they possess strong mental discipline.

Authenticity does not come from title, social stature, or wealth, but rather from how we live. That is, how we go about pursuing our purpose and making a contribution in our own unique way. Authentic people prevail in changing times because they are in harmony with the energy of the universe. Most Questers, described in Questers Dare to Change Your Job and Life, are authentic: www.questersdaretochange.com.

How authentic are you? 

Check qualities you possess. I …

1. perform daily activities in unique ways

2. work hard

3. share honest opinions

4. enjoy being alone

5. am self aware

6. am curious

7. love intellectual stimulation

8. am respectful of others

9. recognize inter-relationships

10. seek new opportunities

11. exude vibrancy

12. care about environmental issues

13. live in the moment

Scoring: The more statements you checked, the more authentic you seem to be.

Fostering authenticity

To be authentic, you must understand who you are, what you want to be, and how you want to fit in the world. You should be self-guided.

Build self esteem.

Confidence gives you courage to set high expectations, to risk, to grow, to be authentic. Acknowledge your accomplishments. Prepare a list of positive achievements and personality characteristics. Post this where you can read it daily. Don’t change to please others or compare yourself to or compete with others.

Stretch yourself.

Constantly push the envelope, raising standards. Challenge conventional beliefs and paths. Travel uncharted territories. Although this may invoke disappointments, accepting and growing through challenges enhances authenticity.

Be in the moment.

Engage yourself completely in the activity at hand.

Maintain perspective.

Time and distance can make mountains seem like molehills. Don’t let what happened yesterday affect what will happen tomorrow. Face each challenge with an open mind. Look upon setbacks as one step toward growth and authenticity.

Take comfort in uncertainty.

This unchartered path evolves moment-by-moment. Realize the path is the goal. Everything is workable.

Focus on the positive.

Look for and expect good things. Each time you catch yourself thinking something negative, replace it with a more positive thought.

Strengthen resilience.

Note what you’ve learned from traumatic experiences. Indicate how these have made you stronger, wiser, more authentic. Identify early cues that you’ve ignored, and what you’d now do differently.

Bolster courage to risk.

Review three successful risks taken. Note what made these successful. Identify perceived barriers for taking another risk, and explore ways to overcome them.

Manage fear.

Identify worrisome issues. Minimize these by researching relevant information and resources. Live in the present. Let go of “attachments.”

Create a life in which you continue to grow and have choices.

Make choices in harmony with your authentic self. Questers Dare to Change Your Job and Life shows you how.

Are you a millennial between ages 18 to 34? Are you wondering what to do with your life?

If so, you may be experiencing the Age-30 transition. This transition from late adolescence to adulthood, is extending in length due to changing economic, technological and societal uncertainties.

During this critical period, you assess who you are and what you want to do. You can now think in abstract terms, look at reality from many angles, and consider the implications of your decisions. You may also look at time differently. You become aware that life is finite, but you still have time to do it all!

In North America, you are given permission to take time out, delay commitments. You experiment with romantic attractions, work at odd jobs, or try different courses in your first years at college. Adult responsibilities are put on hold so that you can feel free to experiment, explore. Flexible and inner-directed, you may be unlikely to subscribe to authoritarian values.

Ellen studied law because her parents were lawyers, but learned that she had no interest in working in the field. So she took time out to travel, to rethink the direction of her life. Ellen returned from her moratorium with greater self-understanding, and renewed confidence and energy to pursue her self determined career choice, public health nursing.

Recent Census Bureau data show that 30-year olds today, as compared to those aged-30 in 1975, are less likely to have hit many milestones that have defined adulthood in past decades.

In 1975, the majority of 30-year-olds were working, married, living away from their parents, and had a child. Now millennials, between ages 18 to 34, are living more like the adolescents of the 1970s and earlier. Many are living at home with parents.

Millennials are delaying marriage and family longer than previous generations. Many say they don’t want children. The birth rate for women in their 20s is the slowest of any generation of young women in U.S. history. Perhaps because of their slow journey to marriage, millennials lead all generations in their share of out-of-wedlock births.

According to a recent Pew Research Center survey, in 2012, 47 percent of births to women in the millennial generation were non-marital, compared with 21 percent among older women. Some of this gap reflects a lifecycle effect—older women have always been less likely to give birth outside of marriage. But the gap is also driven by a shift in behaviors in recent decades.

The Pew survey also reports many millennials are relatively unattached to organized politics and religion. Linked by social media, burdened by student debt, poverty and unemployment, they are in no rush to marry. Those with lower levels of income and education, lack what they deem to be a necessary prerequisite to marriage – a solid economic foundation.

Millennials’ liberalism is apparent in their views on a range of social issues such as same-sex marriage, interracial marriage, and marijuana legalization. However, their views on other social issues, including abortion and gun control, are not much different from those of older adults.

Millennials are also America’s most racially diverse generation, a trend driven by large waves of Hispanic and Asian immigrants who have been coming to North America for the past half century.

Despite their financial burdens, millennials tend to be economic optimists. The Pew survey reports that more than eight-in-ten say they either currently have enough money to lead the lives they want, or expect to live in the future. Some of this optimism may reflect the timeless confidence of youth.

Millennials are less likely than older generations to be affiliated with any religion. However, the majority believe that God exists. These young adults may, like previous generations, develop a stronger belief in God over the course of their lives.

The road ahead for millennials is exhilarating, conflicting, and sometimes overwhelming. The major psychological tasks of this generation, according to ErikErikson, pioneer of life cycle theory and identity development, is attaining a mature identity. This requires exploring several options before choosing among life’s alternatives; and then committing to choices, at least for a while.

Managing the Age-30 Transition

If you are experiencing the Age-30 Transition, ask yourself:

– What is my dream job?

– What needs and values do I want to express in this job?

– What skills do I want to use?

– What job tasks do I want to perform?

– How much responsibility do I want (senior management, good team contributor)

– What is my ideal salary?

– Where would I like to work (downtown in a large city, rural community, in my home)

– Where can I get additional information about my career and lifestyle options?

To learn more about your desired career and lifestyle options, conduct research. Public libraries, educational institutions, private organizations, the internet, and informational interviews with professionals in your fields of interest are good places to start.