“I’m having problems with a difficult co-worker. We don’t speak to one another, and avoid each other at department meetings. The situation is very stressful…” Difficult people at work require professional tact.
Have you ever worked with an impossible colleague? Do you avoid approaching some people unless absolutely necessary? Do you alienate co-workers?
Difficult people come in many forms. They are our bosses, subordinates, co-workers and friends. They include attention grabbers, complainers, intimidators, backstabbers, prima donnas and followers. Difficult people range from suck-ups, who hang on your every word, to critics who find fault with everyone.
Unmanaged employee conflict causes financial loss for the organization as well as varied employee challenges. Results include stressed employees and concurrent high company health care claims, low productivity and turnover.
In almost every conflict situation, both parties bear some responsibility. Most of us don’t think of ourselves as difficult, though. It’s the others who make work stressful. Being difficult is usually in the eyes of the beholder. Someone who tries your patience may be lovable to someone else.
We can’t avoid difficult people, and usually can’t change them, but we can often improve situations. Here are suggestions.
Managing difficult people at work
Address the situation early, politely and firmly.
Don’t discuss issues with colleagues or talk about the person negatively.
Shift the focus from the other person to yourself.
You are the one having difficulty. Since you have no real control over others, the only person whose behavior you can change is your own. Ask yourself why you’re having difficulty, what you’re contributing to the situation, and how you can improve it.
Identify other people whom you find difficult, and indicate why. Observe how you usually cope, and whether these strategies work.
Question your assumptions and stereotypes. Your perceptions often determine how you view others. Note whether you pigeonhole people to expect certain behaviors because of age, ethnicity or other traits.
Restructure your thoughts.
Think of challenging situations, rather than difficult people. Identify what you can do to make a difficult situation easier. This perspective shifts the focus from trying to fix the person to fixing the situation.
Shift your perspective.
This alters how you and the person perceive each other. Invite the person for coffee. Stand side by side to study a chart instead of leaving the chart on the table between you. When you shift your position and survey the scene from a new perspective, you see things differently.
Volunteer to serve on the same project. When you get to know the person better, you may learn that you misinterpreted his behavior.
Communicate calmly, non-combatively.
Approach the person in a positive, problem-solving manner. Believe she is eager to resolve the issue, as well. State your perception of the situation factually, succinctly. Don’t overreact, complain or lecture. Indicate how the behavior is affecting you or your team. Listen to the other person’s interpretation of the situation.
Discuss the factual basis of each others’ thoughts to learn new truths and get a different interpretation. Be willing to recognize you’ve contributed to the problem. Agree on a resolution that is mutually satisfying.
Set behavioral limits and consequences if abusive behavior is directed at you.
Use appropriate language.
Language that makes people feel bad invites defensive, antagonistic responses, escalating the difficulty. Use inclusive language to draw people together to meet a common challenge. It recognizes the situation as a shared difficulty. “What can we do to make our meetings more productive?”
Try speculative language that poses possibilities and raises questions. This conditional mode of expression draws others into a dialogue. “Maybe it’s possible to . . .”
Also use progressive language to build involvement and commitment slowly. Start by getting agreement on small, least contentious issues and build. “Would you have any objection . . . “
Silence is often most effective. If you listen attentively, the other person is more likely to feel heard, understood, respected. Reflect what you hear to better understand the person and the issue.
Don’t use categorical language which puts everyone and everything in boxes. The world is not black or white.“You never have anything useful to offer.” This type of language carries distinctions to extremes.
Avoid judgmental language which tends to blame. “It’s clear from the design that you didn’t have time to work on it.” Similarly, avoid language which denies responsibility or shifts blame. “It’s policy; I don’t make rules.”
Don’t belittle or talk down to the person. The foregoing not only fail to help you deal with difficult people, but turn you into a difficult person, as well. Never use email to criticize.
Offer constructive face-to-face feedback.
Often chronically difficult people don’t know how to act. They may be unaware of how they affect others, and how their behaviors block career success. Give people constructive feedback, ask for their input, and involve them. “Maybe we can . . .”
Seek assistance.
Reevaluate the assumption that a relationship can be made to work if the situation doesn’t improve. Seek help from management or a reputable professional.
Healthy work relationships are necessary for personal, professional and organizational growth. Respect others and their opinions. Share beliefs. Every day, find something to appreciate and comment on favorably. When people feel your allegiance and support, they’ll be drawn to you despite differences.
